Gran And Pop: The New Generation
Sydney Morning Herald
Monday July 4, 1994
UNLIKE becoming a parent, grandparenthood is thrust upon people without choice.
Many welcome this new role late in life. But the cosy image of grandma sitting knitting while grandpa potters in the shed - between occasional visits from the grandchildren - is a thing of the past.
Grandparents are much more likely to be out working - as part of the paid workforce, or looking after their grandchildren while their daughters or daughters-in-law work.
Many are combining both jobs.
After devoting much of their life to raising their own children, many grandparents may have hoped for a slower pace of life.
Even those who are willing to help out family may find their energy levels do not match their enthusiasm. Grandparenthood tends to strike later in life now, as more women delay the birth of their first child.
Increasingly, grandparents are going to have to learn to say "no", says Helene Gonski, a Sydney counsellor and author of a new book, Grandparenting, a New Challenge.
There is a great deal of joy associated with becoming a grandparent, says Mrs Gonski, a grandmother of 10 who runs group sessions for grandparents and people in their later years.
But she also believes grandparents have to learn to assert themselves if they are not to be reduced to "doormats".
Adult children, she says, often consider them to be always available and to have nothing else to do, and are disappointed when they say no to baby-sitting. "I think grandparents can be sucked in to doing a lot of things... Some could be exploited," she says.
"One person (in my group sessions) didn't come for a while ... she had to do baby-sitting, or other work for adult children. She felt very resentful and didn't put her interests ahead, didn't have the courage to say anything."
The stereotype of the elderly grandmother sitting in front of a fire with a rug over her knees has been difficult to abolish, says Ms Ruth Weston, a senior researcher for the Australian Institute of Family Studies.
"You still see this stereotype in school books ... but grandparents are now a strong source of child care within our community."
Mrs Mary Helen Woods, a researcher for the Australian Family Association, also points out that grandparents have taken over the role as the main provider of child care, especially in low socio-economic areas.
"We have discovered that in many situations people are using grandparents to look after children, especially in the ethnic communities," she said.
"When both parents work, they (grandparents) have these children all day and it's hard for them and they always look tired.
"But they would rather look after them than have them in institutionalised child care."
In a survey, Australian Families, published last year by the Australian Bureau of Statistics, more than 755,000 grandparents reported that they provided informal child care for grandchildren aged 0 to 11 who were not living with them.
Almost a third of these grandparents had another job, yet a quarter of this number usually provided weekly child care on top of their paid employment. Mum's mum was the most helpful. There were 32 per cent of maternal grandmothers who provided informal child care compared with 10 per cent of paternal grandmothers.
Recent statistics also indicate that the workforce participation of women of grandparenting age has tripled in the past 30 years.
In 1961, 12.6 per cent of women in the 55- to 59-year-old age bracket were employed. In 1991 the figure was 34.1 per cent.
Similarly, in 1961, 6.5 per cent of 60- to 64-year-old females were employed, rising to 16.3 per cent in 1991.
Kate Perrett, a social worker of Lane Cove, who meets a lot of grandmothers who look after their children, believes many resent it.
"They find it very tiring and I find they're doing it because their daughter or son is either divorced or working. And they say, 'I know they want to go back to work, but I find it so exhausting.
"'I'd rather be going to the bowling club to see my friends.'
"Sometimes they don't want to fall out with their daughter-in-law and upset them, and they do it to keep in with the relationship."
Mrs Gonski believes the problem of overworked grandparents is allied to a broader one - that our society idolises the young and denigrates the old, in books, television and magazines.
Older people are often considered invisible in a crowd and young people often talk over them or pretend they aren't there.
Older people can often be the last in a store to be served.
"Another myth is that all grandparents welcome their role. Nothing is further from the truth. What about those in their forties who, having only just let their own children go, are looking forward to some freedom? They don't want to feel tied down."
She says the picture of grandparents is changing from that of an older-style grandparent - a relatively inactive person, without an apparent life of their own "who had been brought up to believe in the puritanical ethic that giving yourself pleasure or looking after your own needs was selfish" -to that of the baby-boomers coming into the grandparenting stage.
The latter will be a new type of grandparent, more assertive with their own careers and lives.
"They grew up in a different way and are used to speaking their minds and doing their own thing. They will have a different approach to grandparenting..."
Grandparents may want their adult children to recognise that they have their own lives to lead. But is also important for grandparents to have respect for their own adult children's way of life: to learn from them and understand that they have a different way of doing things and that the old ways are not necessarily the best.
Mrs Gonski says that there are more grandparents today than at any time in history, because people are growing older and living longer. Her book offers of practical tips for grandparents on how to establish good, warm and positive relationships with their grandchildren.
The importance of grandparents to grandchildren was illustrated in a 1993 study of 207 Melbourne children. More than half of the school children said they enjoyed spending time with their grandparents and believed they played a useful role in society.
The study, by Professor Trang Thomas and Associate Professor Erica Hallebone, of the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology, discovered that about half of the Year 9 students believed their grandparents contributed to society by participating in community groups such as Rotary and participating in volunteer work.
About the same number of students said they received help from their grandparents in the form of homework, advice or practical help on how to knit or fish.
Nearly 45 per cent of students who said they received help had meals regularly cooked for them and were often looked after by their grandparents when they were ill.
Grandparenting, a New Challenge, by Helene Gonski, Sally Milner Publishing
© 1994 Sydney Morning Herald